My Life as a Grad Student's Wife

In the year and a half since posting on this, life has changed quite a bit.

TJ is finishing his 2nd year of his biology PhD track (with no official end date in sight), and I've been working at the same dental office for 3 years now (thank God the economy didn't lead to downsizing in my office).

Lately I've been struggling with my role in our relationship as the bread-winner (or sugar momma), and organizer of our home and general finances. My computer battery is about to shut down so I'll add more about this later, but I found another blog that pretty well sums up the whole idea (as linked at the top).

More to come later

Make new friends, but keep the old...

With my husband finally getting himself busy with school lately, I've found myself a bit lonely over the past couple of weeks, which has me reminiscing about friends I've lost touch with over the years.
Today while browsing Facebook, I noticed that my freshman year roommate got married. I can't remember if I invited her to my wedding, but I feel bad that we lost touch over these years. She was a great roommate (certainly put up with a lot of drama as my now husband and I went through a shaky start to our relationship that year), and a wonderful person. A group of us went on a road trip to visit her in Ohio one summer, and had a really good bonding experience. We would've remained roommates through Sophomore year, but we thought we were each going to become RAs, and RAs could not be roomates. Neither of us got the position, but by that point it was too late to partner up again for a room. We lost touch not long after that, although we were friendly in passing. Such is the case with most of my college friends. Those who were closest to me during my Junior and Senior years have slid out of touch a bit too. The last time I saw them was my own wedding 2 1/2 years ago, which is also how long it's been since speaking to a couple.

I think of this while realizing how hard it is to make new friends after school. I will say I have 2 great friends who happen to live in my building, but convenience aside, I feel like I'm repelling all others. I'm working at an office with very few people my age or in my position. There are two receptionists around my age who I'd be happy hanging out with, but one has turned down every offer I've made to do so, and the other is new, and I just found out is the boss' daughter. Apparently they went out for drinks together recently. They both live near me, too. I wonder if I'm giving off a "don't invite me" vibe or something. One person who used to work in our office hung out with me, but she was really needy and a little crazy. I'd like to think I don't only attract crazies...

Conflicted

I've been feeling a bit conflicted lately about a few things.

For starters, our parking spot, while heavily discounted at $40 a month (the rest of the neighborhood ranges from $125-150 per month), it is a mile away from our place, blocked into a driveway by the home's owner. We've been fine with that cost and playing musical-cars each time we need to drive (which is about once a month), but now the owner has informed us that, come January, he wants to raise the rent and add another car behind us. That seems a bit ridiculous.
So now the conflict becomes: do we: a) suck it up and pay and put up with the 2nd car behind us; b) sell the car and put the money away for when we do need one later in life; or c) wait for next year, then try to find an apartment that has parking included in the rent?

That leads to the next conflict; Do we look for another apartment? Boston and its surrounding neighborhoods is hell when it comes to searching for apartments. You find a gem online, only to find it's already been rented, then you're dragged around to a bunch of crapholes by some undergrad who doesn't give a damn about what you said you want in a place. And when you quickly settle on something, (because in this town, if you don't decide within that evening whether you want it or not, it WILL be rented out from under you), you owe the douchebag a full month's rent as a "fee" for his 20 minutes he spent with you. Mind you, rent around here ranges from $1200-$1600 or so a month.

We really do love our place, but for the $1525 a month we're paying, I feel we're at the top dime for what we're getting. We have heat/hot water included, as well as a washer/dryer in-unit, but there is no parking, nor is there a dishwasher, and this is a one-bedroom we're paying that much for. I'm curious if there is something that has all that for a comparable price in our neighborhood... I'm terrified of inadvertently downgrading, or being stuck with another landlady from hell like our first apartment had. (You know the movie "Duplex"? That upstairs old lady neighbor was our landlady, accent and crazy included.)

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I'm between stages. I'm still a twenty-something, which generally means fashionista styles, and getting away with some shorter skirts, lower tops, and higher heels than most older women should wear. On the other hand, I have a professional career in an East-coast city where conservative dress is what is appropriate if you want to be taken seriously and looked at as successful. This probably also stems from an episode in high school where someone I thought was my friend started telling people I was getting slutty because I wore wide-strap tank tops to school (you couldn't even see cleavage), which followed with "looks" from people and one episode of what I'll call "inappropriate touching" by a male classmate. I fear that if I don't project the conservative, professional image out here, that I'll be looked at as a slut and not taken seriously.
It doesn't help that my work attire consists of comfortable scrubs that I'm too tired to change out of until bedtime, but I digress. How do I find the balance between having fun with fashion, while not looking like a stuffy old conservative hag or a fashionista slut?

It is fun to get to dress well, though. Any time I go back to the midwest, I almost feel accosted for wearing a nice, well-made, brand name coat, or dress, or shoes; I get looked at as if I regard myself as better than everyone else just because I'm in fancy clothes.

Someone once said to me "The clothes you choose are like your uniform: when you see someone in a police uniform, you assume they're a police-person, right? Same goes with scrubs (someone in the medical profession), or a suit (business person). Sure, call it a stereotype, but the majority of people who are in these types of clothes are in that type of profession. So if someone dresses in a short skirt and plunging neckline, why are they so shocked when someone mistakes them for a stereotypical slut?" -I can't remember who said this, but it was a man.

Between Plymouth Rock and a Midwest Place

TJ is transferring schools. BC's biology program has all but failed; its senior faculty is doing nothing to help out its junior faculty thus leading to the failure of all of the faculty in mentoring its students. Long story short, he's applied to 5 schools: 2 in the midwest and 3 in MA. We're now down to 2 in MA and 1 in the midwest that we're waiting to hear from. For me it's 50/50 for which I'd prefer. I enjoy my job here and would be sad to leave it, but being in a health related field, I'd probably be able to find a job if we move without too much of a problem, even in this economy.

If we stay here, I earn more and can pay off my student loans faster, but we don't have family here and what we're paying in rent takes away most of the extra earnings.

If we go back to the midwest, we can own a house, be closer to family, and move on to the next phase in our life if we so choose. The downside would be missing the conveniences we have here, plus with the lower income and need to buy/maintain a second car and maintenance and all the associated costs of owning a home, things would be tighter financially while paying off student loans in the meantime.

I'm completely torn. We should find out by Easter (April 12th), where our future lies, but the wait is killing me.

5 years

This past September marks the five year anniversary of my father's passing. It didn't really hit me until now. Another Christmas without him being genuinely happy about receiving a flannel shirt or new socks, curiously looking on as we open our gifts "from mom & dad", that dad has no idea what it contains. So much has happened in these past 5 years.

I wonder what he would say about all of it if he was here for it; graduating college, moving away to Boston, getting married, graduating hygiene school, landing my first job, mom moving from the house we all lived in... I do miss him a lot.

He's baaaaaaaack!

10 days was the perfect amount of time for TJ to be gone; I got to take over the home and enjoy my independence, and just started really missing him by the day he got back. Ok, I really missed him the whole time, but it was nice to come home at the end of a long work day and do what I needed at home without the distraction of Metroid being played on the main TV, while the Brewers/Packers/insert random-WI-sport-here gamecast was blaring from the computer in the other room.

I didn't find a cure for cancer or anything, but I was rather productive:
1. Framed, prepared, and mounted our wedding pictures on the wall in our room. (Yes, it has been a year and 2 months since the wedding). It was a big project, actually took me 2 days to complete.

2. Did dishes on a daily basis and laundry a couple of times. Hey, it counts that I did the regular stuff too!

3. Learned how to play the intro to Handlebars by the Flobots on my violin.

4. Ate a lot healthier, exercised, and lost 6 pounds. (Note: since he got home, I have gained 4 of them back already).

5. Started going to church again. It was nice to finally find a church near us that isn't full of old, creepy people like the one where we did our pre-marital counseling course. (If you're not sure what I'm referring to, ask me about the giggling man at that church next time you see me.) I'll be bringing him with me to our new church this Sunday.

It's a weird adjustment getting used to having him back, though. I had put myself on a good routine, and got so used to doing things my way, that I was a bit annoyed to see all my work be reversed back. I'm adjusting, but I have put forth some new ground rules to keep the peace.
Regardless of the changes and adjustments, it's good to have him home.

Husband-less day #1

With TJ visiting Wisconsin for the next 10 days, I no longer return home from work to a bustling home filled with the sound of Metroid being played on the Wii. Although I do miss him, I did notice a certain quietness and lack of distraction in the air. I decided to take advantage of this and figure out my finances.

I am now a registered Dental Hygienist at a practice on a high-end street in downtown Boston. It's nice to finally have income and be rid of the studying for endless tests. Along with the lack of school and gain in income come A: student loan repayments, and B: the thought that I should start investing for retirement.

I pursued objective A by calling the loan company to set up my repayment schedule for when that fun part starts in November. After speaking with the friendly person in India fielding my call, I came to the horrible realization that my private loans (the ones with the ginormous amounts of money borrowed) are not the nice, fixed rate I thought they were when I casually checked them a few months ago; they are variable. Oh Sh*t. Fortunately, the economy sucks in my favor right now and is keeping the rate cheaper than my fixed stafford loan interest. This will become interesting in the next few months as Bush tries to F--- with our corporate and financial systems.

Objective B left me nearly cross-eyed. I called TJ's dad (who used to be an economics professor) to ask him his opinion on things. It's all a blur from there, something about different types of funds and other little details that I've never cared enough to look in to. All I know is that I want to invest in a Roth IRA.
I didn't realize there were funds within that fund that need to be picked, or what they mean or stand for, or that different companies charge different fees and have different specific funds within those funds, etc. etc. I thought it was as simple as opening up a savings account. "I'd like to open up a Roth IRA, thanks!" In, out, and done, check the balance in 40 years and notice that it grew enough to sustain me 'til death.

I have now decided to leave both objectives alone until I can gain my sanity back. Day 1 has been quite a downer, and I need to spend this alone time doing positive activities & being a little more selfish around the house, such as having the TV remote all to myself, to watch my worthless sitcoms without hearing "why do you watch this crap?" commentary coming from my other half (who I ask the same question when he then proceeds to watch sports every waking hour). I'll also be able to make & eat what I want for supper (such as a large bowl of cereal, or a giant salad) without feeling the pressure to actually cook something. I need to focus on the half-full part of the glass, and maybe add a little rum to it...